Being yourself

What defines me? Well, in high school, I always let myself be defined by the activities I was in. I come from a graduating class of 32. No not 3200. 32. I am from a town of about 1100. Growing up in such a small town/school allowed me, if you want to use that word, to be involved in everything. If you were out for one sport you were most likely out for all of them because in a school of this size, you were lucky enough to have the minimum number of players in the first place. It wasn't just sports either, if you were in band, you were most likely in choir, and jazz band, and madrigal, and swing choir, not to mention the dance team. I was a very busy girl.

I grew up with three other sisters and one brother. I am right in the middle. I did not have my own bedroom until my freshman year. Growing up with older and younger siblings  definitely took its toll on me. I learned from my older siblings mistakes and gained the full trust of both parents. I also gained responsibility when watching over my younger siblings too. I feel blessed to be the middle child because I was not rushed to grow up like my youngest sister was, nor was I forced to pretend Santa was real until I was a sophomore in college like my eldest sister. I was given the time I needed and for that I am grateful.

My mother and father are avid catholics. Like Robin has brought up lately, my life was defined by the ten rules that Moses carried down in stone. I took on my parents beliefs and lived them like my own. I said prayers, I went to camps, retreats, conferences, you name it! I was the child my parents always hoped for. I was a people pleaser. Everything I did was for the sake of others and what I thought were their wishes. I got involved in so many school activities and sports because that is what looks good in your records. I worked my butt off in school anything that wasn't an A (A- is not an A) wasn't good enough for my parents, so it wasn't good enough for me. I kept organized and presentable at all times because if I could not/did not please others, I was not pleased with myself. This left me very unstable when times got rough and something unexpected hit, I never allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, I never allowed myself to actually speak my own mind. I was a mold of everyone around me.

Two years ago that all started to change, when I finally opened my eyes into a world outside my little town in Northwest Iowa. I realized life is much bigger, full of adventures and life styles, and opportunities I never even knew of. I also realized how scary it could be at the same time, and how fragile our existence is. I realized we shape who we want to be. We have control over what happens in our life. Fate is not chance but choice flowered with possibilities of all kinds because of moves you made within your own life. However, it is not an open field of choices like so many imagine it to be. It is like a maze with moving walls and signs that might impact your decisions. Culture, family, friends, school, hopes, dreams, fears, all shape who we are and the choices we make, but it is our decision what the shape actually is, are you an otter, butterfly, beetle, tree, light, wind, rain?

In these last two years I have stepped out of this constant people pleaser and allowed myself to look into my greatest dreams. I was able to attend this school, and travel to Germany three times, four come winter break. I am now openminded and interested in not only how my past became that way but how i can use it to help with my future.